The Burden Behind Betrayal

The Hidden Dynamics of Abandonment & Ghosting

By Garima Verma, The Restfulness Therapist

The Familiar Wound

Almost all of us have been here at some point: You go out of your way for a friend, a colleague, or even a client. You show up. You support. You extend yourself beyond what was asked, often beyond what was sustainable.

And then, when you least expect it, they disappear.

They ghost you.

Or worse, they betray you.

The human mind, in its need for closure, begins to churn:

• What did I do wrong?

• Where did I fail?

• How could they treat me this way after everything I’ve done for them?

  
  

Sometimes the spiral deepens into blame, “I gave so much, and this is what I got in return.”

This experience is painful because it cuts to our deepest need — to love and be loved, to trust and be trusted.

But there is another way of looking at betrayal and ghosting, a lens offered by Bert Hellinger’s systemic wisdom and enriched by psychology and the Restfulness Method. This perspective allows us to move from pain to clarity, from resentment to release.

The Hidden Dynamic of Betrayal: Burden, Not Malice

We tend to assume betrayal comes from ill-will, a sign the other person didn’t care. But in systemic terms, betrayal often emerges from something quieter and more complex: imbalance.

Healthy relationships, whether personal or professional, thrive on a flow of giving and receiving. When this balance is disrupted, tension builds:

• The giver begins to feel drained.

• The receiver begins to feel burdened.

At first, the imbalance might not be visible. The giver may even feel proud of their generosity. But over time, the one who has received too much without being able to give back begins to carry a silent weight.

And in many cases, the way they escape this unbearable burden is by withdrawing, ghosting, betraying, or abruptly ending the relationship.

This doesn’t excuse the pain it causes. But it helps us see: betrayal is not always rejection of you. It may be rejection of the imbalance.

Bert Hellinger’s Law of Giving and Taking

Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations, observed that the balance between giving and taking is one of the most important orders in human relationships.

He explained it this way:

“If someone gives me something and I balance it — for example, by paying the full price for it — the relationship is over. Both go their separate ways again. It’s different between lovers. In addition to the need for balance, love comes into play. This means: As soon as I have received something from someone I love, I give them more than the same or equal back. This makes the other person feel indebted to me again. But because they love me, they also give me more back than the balance demands. In this way, the exchange of giving and taking between the lovers grows and with it the depth of their relationship.”

Let’s unpack this:

1. Between equals (friends, colleagues, business partners): balance must remain intact. Too much one-sided giving creates debt and fracture.

2. Between lovers: balance is softened by love. Instead of exact equality, each gives back a little more, creating an upward spiral of generosity and deepening connection.

This insight reveals why betrayal often happens. When one person gives beyond the other’s capacity to return, the system becomes heavy.

Why Do We Over-Give?

To truly understand this imbalance, we must ask: why do so many of us over-give in the first place?

For many trauma survivors or children of “tricky families,” over-giving is a survival strategy.

• A child growing up with emotionally unavailable parents may learn: “If I do more, if I please more, maybe I’ll be loved.”

• Some children become caretakers for parents who were indifferent, depressed, or resentful. They learn to secure connection by giving, giving, giving.

• Over time, love and worth become entangled with performance and sacrifice.

In adulthood, this conditioning shows up as relationships where we overextend ourselves, often without realizing it. Our generosity is genuine, but beneath it lies a hidden hope: “If I give enough, I will be safe. I will be chosen. I will not be abandoned.”

The Receiver’s Burden: Why “Too Much” Hurts

On the surface, being on the receiving end of generosity sounds pleasant.

Who wouldn’t want more care, more attention, more support?

But in truth, too much receiving without a chance to reciprocate creates psychological discomfort.

• The receiver feels indebted and debt breeds guilt or shame.

• They may feel inadequate, unable to match what is given.

• They may feel pressured, as though invisible strings are attached to every act of care.

Over time, this inner burden grows unbearable. And so, instead of speaking it aloud, many simply withdraw. They ghost. They betray.

The Restfulness Method: A Softer Lens

The Restfulness Method invites us to approach betrayal not with bitterness, but with inquiry.

When someone leaves after we’ve given so much, the question shifts from:

“What’s wrong with me?”

“How could they do this to me?”

to:

"Was I giving beyond my capacity?"

"Did my giving allow space for the other to give back?”

"Was I respecting the natural rhythm of balance?”

Restfulness means resting back into clarity. It means noticing when our giving is rooted in fear or unconscious need, and when it is flowing naturally.

Psychology Meets Systemic Work

Modern psychology echoes Hellinger’s insights. Ghosting and betrayal often arise from:

1. Conflict avoidance – The receiver doesn’t know how to voice their overwhelm, so they disappear instead.

2. Attachment wounds – Avoidant types retreat when closeness or debt feels threatening.

3. Shame projection – The receiver projects their inadequacy outward, blaming the giver, and exiting abruptly.

4. Invisible expectations – Over-giving is rarely free of expectation; the unspoken weight pushes the receiver away.

Seen together, systemic orders and psychological dynamics both point to the same truth: balance is not optional — it is essential.

Case Illustrations

Case 1: The Helpful Colleague

A woman constantly steps in for her coworker, covering deadlines and staying late. At first, he’s grateful. Over time, he withdraws, avoiding her altogether.

Why? Because her help makes him feel incompetent — a debt he cannot repay.

Case 2: The Devoted Friend

A man lends money, time, and endless emotional support to a friend. When she distances herself, he feels betrayed. But in truth, she feels suffocated, ashamed that she cannot reciprocate, and guilty for taking so much.

Case 3: The Over-Generous Partner

A partner showers their beloved with constant gifts and sacrifices. At first, it feels romantic. Eventually, it becomes overwhelming. The beloved pulls away, unable to carry the pressure of endless debt.

Healing: Returning to Balance

So how do we nurture healthier, more reciprocal relationships?

1. Give Within Your Limits

Offer only what feels light, joyful, and free of obligation. If giving leaves you resentful, it was too much.

2. Receive with Grace

Allow others to give to you. Receiving honours them and keeps the cycle alive.

3. Check the Flow

Regularly ask: Is this relationship balanced? Do both of us give and receive?

4. Allow Conscious Closure

If balance cannot be restored, sometimes the kindest act is to part ways, acknowledging the truth without forcing continuation.

5. Rest Into Awareness

Pause. Breathe. Ask: Am I giving to be chosen, or am I giving because it flows naturally?

From Betrayal to Growth

When betrayal or ghosting happens, it is undeniably painful. Yet it can also be a profound teacher.

It invites us to:

• Examine our patterns of over-giving.

• Honour the systemic law of balance.

• Learn to give and receive with love and limits.

In this way, betrayal shifts from being a wound of rejection to a window of awakening.